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Internet Affairs Splitting Families - 18/Jun/2006

Internet affairs splitting families
10 June 2006
By YVONNE MARTIN
STUFF.co.nz

Growing numbers of people who have internet affairs are leaving their partners and children to pursue relationships that began in cyberspace.


Online adultery is now a common feature of marriage break-ups, a Christchurch private investigator, family lawyers and counsellors say.

Research by Melbourne's Swinburne University has found that many cyber daters may also be cyber cheaters.

Online lonely hearts were almost as likely to be living with a partner (41 per cent) as to be single (46 per cent). They were equally likely to have no children or have up to two children.

From more than 1000 telephone interviews, the university found those finding love online spanned all age groups and political and religious affiliations.

Most met their cyber partners face to face on many occasions, and relationships tended to last months (27 per cent) or years (18 per cent). It was relatively rare for online romances to remain purely in cyberspace.

Christchurch private investigator Helene Faass said that in the past year, the internet featured in virtually all relationship inquiries she handled.

Cyber cheaters, predominantly men, often went to some length to hide their secret online trysts, she said.

Many were middle-aged, more likely to spend evenings in slippers and playing on the computer than going to pubs or clubs.

"They tend to get on to a computer, find a person, and they might have cybersex," said Faass.

"They exchange phone numbers. Then they start texting on, of course, a pre-paid phone so no-one can find out.

"A fair portion of them would go on to meet the person, if they weren't stopped in-between."

Her company, Elite Investigations, analyses data from the hard drives of clients' computers to see where errant spouses have been straying.

Most investigations confirmed infidelities that clients had suspected all along.

Family lawyer Garry Collin was shocked by his first case of an internet break-up a decade ago. Now the net is a constant theme of separations he deals with, and he has already acted for three or four cases this year.

"When it does happen, often the relationships are in a difficult period. It's an outlet for their dissatisfaction and they can find someone with whom they can communicate," Collin said.

"It provides a really easy way of escape as well. They up and leave their partner and head up to Auckland or somewhere."

Collin has also been appointed by the court to act for children whose parents have separated as a result of internet relationships.

Another family lawyer, Trudy Robertson, has heard of women leaving husbands for online Romeos they have yet to meet in person.

"I have actually thought, 'My gosh, you haven't even met this person. How can you be so sure it's going to work out?'

"But I don't think they are. They are willing to take that risk. And it's the excitement of what's coming and what might happen," she said.

Some cyber romances ended in bitter disappointment and partners hitting the "delete" button on newfound love.

"One woman was expecting a wealthy, high-powered American guy, but when he came over he wasn't at all," Robertson said.

Counsellors are hearing more and more of cyber relationships disrupting real ones.

"Flirting with someone on the internet is not that different from flirting with them face to face," Relationship Services clinical leader Dr Kay O'Connor said.

"It might be quite different from whether they have an affair or not, but I think it still, in most partners' minds, constitutes a kind of betrayal."

O'Connor said online relationships were still relatively new and therefore sat outside established social codes.

"There are rules around how you are supposed to behave at parties so lines aren't crossed. We also have them with work relationships," she said.

"Office romances are sort of regulated by people's expectations, but we don't have that with this kind of internet connection."